One year ago today

July 17, 2013 was probably one of the strangest days of my life. I had spent the two weeks leading up to that day right by mom's side soaking in every precious moment with her that I possibly could.  Staring at her, watching her breathe, etching her smile into my mind, soaking in every bit of her I could get. We knew the end was near. We shared our hearts with her and told her everything our minds could think of to share with her before she passed. And as the end got closer and closer and as she slipped further and further away from us, I remember telling her that it was OK to go and that we would all be alright....

Now she is gone. I have been without her for an entire year. How has it already been a year? A year ago today, I couldn't imagine how in the world I could walk without her. I couldn't imagine how I could go to work without her. I couldn't imagine how I could laugh without her. I couldn't imagine how I could do life without her.

 There were days and events that I worried about and dreaded over this past year. For instance, her birthday, Mother's Day, my family's birthdays, my own birthday, Christmas Day, and now today.

So yes, we've made it a year. There were a lot of hard days and a lot of really good ones. I thought reaching a year would give some sort of relief like, "Whew! We did it! I think we can handle this now." ... But no. That's not the case. Yes, we've made it a year. But now there's another one ahead. Another year with some of the same obstacles and same days I dreaded before. But there will also be new obstacles. New ones that make me think, "I can't imagine how I'll do 'this' without her." The biggest of which being how in the world I will raise by babies without my momma by my side.

 I always thought when other families who have lost loved ones made it through their first year, that it must feel like some sort of accomplishment. Like a breath of fresh air that would somehow give them the motivation they need to continue on to the next. But now that I'm in that place of making it through year one, I realize... This doesn't feel like an accomplishment. There is no breath of fresh air to motivate me for year two, three and four. Today is simply another day. Not looking to tomorrow or the years that lie ahead. But trusting that the sun will come up each day.

 Just because year one is behind us doesn't mean this road is suddenly easier. For myself personally, I foresee some very difficult days ahead. I can't explain the wide range of emotions I am already dealing with. All of the joy and happiness of raising my three boys but I also can't imagine not sharing those moments with my mom. How can my heart feel so whole and so ripped apart all in one moment? 

I beg you for your prayers for year two. Just as I couldn't imagine year one without my mom, even more so I cannot imagine year two. I miss her more than words can say. I mean that so literally.

There
are
no
words.

LOVE YOU MOM!!!!!